50 Shades of Springles: Chapter 1

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At long last, after a length hiatus, I can finally announce my new project, ready for release next consumer holiday or whenever! This is what I’ve been working on for the last few months, and it’s now ready for everyone to sensually gorge on, as well as possibly get a little frisky with. That’s right, I’m planning on releasing a complete rewrite of the famous ’50 Shades of Grey’ trilogy, but with a whole new twist. The books will no longer star a boring, hunky businessman with a tendency for stalking, whipping, and convincing people that these things just show he loves them. Instead, we have everyone’s favourite UKIP supporter, pavement defacer, Clarkson drinking partner and Kingdom Hearts fan-fiction writer, springles the dog!

I couldn’t think of a more appropriate figure for women around the world to want to be with, and men to want to be. He’s idolised the world over, and just needs an extra push to become a long-lasting figure in the world of masculinity. To wet your appetite, I have three chapters ready to show off right now, which should give a clear idea of how erotically charged everything is going to be! Enjoy!

Chapter 1

“Mr. springles will see you now.”

The receptionist beckoned Ana to the large office complex, and she didn’t know how she was going to manage this. Ana was a shy, withdrawn student that was about to talk to one of the most influential politicians of modern times. Her stomach had been in knots for the last few hours, but she had no idea how intimidating the experience would be. She was inside the headquarters of Springles Inc., the biggest telemarketing conglomerate in Europe, and the extravagance of it all was breathtaking. the building was one of the tallest she’d ever seen, and it was the only skyscraper located in the Medway area. Inside, there were assistants running around everywhere, all holding flyers, briefcases and other such papers. There was fine artwork on every wall, although they all had different portraits of springles. There was one where he was Jesus, another where he was Robo-Jesus, and another where he was drinking fine ale with Jesus.

She walked into the office, and caught a glimpse of the man she was preparing to interview.

“hello. so youre the student girl from the magazine. well, i have ten minutes.”

Ana caught her first sight of the man she had been preparing to interview, and she was speechless. The man they called ‘Kent’s most treasured conglomerate owner and MP’ stood by the window, in a fine black suit. He was a well dressed, almost immaculate figure of a man. However, the most distinguishing feature was his entire head, which comprised of a dog’s head. This wasn’t a typical dog though, for it seemed like he came from a Nintendo 64 game, and shoved onto a body in photoshop. Ana didn’t know how to react to this, and was unable to speak. springles noticed this.

“sit down, lets get this over with”. Mr. springles was uptight, somewhat cranky and was clearly not interested in the interview. Ana sat, already caught off guard by springles’ domineering presence, as well as his constant drooling. His office was large, and filled with fine antiques and other such wares. They all had suspicious looking stains on them, and the office itself smelt like a paper-mill, but Ana was capable of ignoring it, as she had the journalistic drive to approach springles.

“i dont have all day, im meeting with some very important politics people in a bit.” He was getting more forceful, which took Ana aback somewhat. springles offered her some wine, which she was hesitant to accept, until she actually smelt the glass he was giving her. For some reason, springles gave her a tin of Monster Energy, which is not a kind of wine, but instead a sickly sweet energy drink designed to further natural selection by giving its drinkers heart attacks. She declined, and proceeded with the interview.

are u tryin to seduce me cause im the horniest mofo on the dang ass planet YES i want that on the blurb
are u tryin to seduce me cause im the horniest mofo on the dang ass planet YES i want that on the blurb

“Mr. springles, you are one of the most distinguished businessmen and political activists in Seattle, what do you owe to your success?”

“i believe in working as hard as i can for as long as i can. i have no concept of luck, unless its in video poker. that theres all about luck, unless you play against me, then i whoop yo fat ass. you know what im sayin, right. those koreans are real good at it though, i bet they cheat. have you heard of…”

At this point, Mr. springles continued talking about Video Poker, and Ana wasn’t sure if the interview was going well. springles seemed to veer from topic to topic, without much care for whatever she was thinking. One minute he was talking about that time he pooped on a street light during the May Day Festivals, the next he was rambling about when his ex-girlfriend left him because he pooped during her graduation. It wasn’t until Ana dropped a pencil, more out of lack of concentration than anything else, that made springles react to anything. He turned to her, and started talking to her.

“its about time I learnt more about you. what are you like”. Ana was startled, and didn’t know what to say. It always felt as if springles was in control of the conversation, but it had clearly gotten to the point where he was interrogating her, instead of the other way round. “Believe me, there’s not much to talk about. I mean, just look at me…”, she sighed, her discomfort clearly showing. springles leaned over, and whispered, “i am”.

She blushed.

“from what i gathered, you’re a student at the local university, what drives you to succeed in this fast paced, mixed up world of wonderments and danger?”

“well, I’ve always been interested in reading, so I’ve studying English Literature for the last three years…” springles interrupted at this point to talk about how none of this was interesting, and there weren’t enough monster trucks in it. Ana was transfixed on this spectacle of a man with a dog face. Every time he spoke, it was like a thousand angels were reciting a Jeff Dunham routine. It was almost like the Virgin Mary had descended from heaven, and farted in your face. The connection these two people felt was electric, and springles felt that as well.

“you know, youre proper cutie. have you ever thought about going on dates to places and such, cause i would totally rock that up”. Just as Ana tried to understand what that meant, springles stood up. “i have to meet with some election people now, which is hella bawls. did you know that people need re-elections to keep this up? it sucks mad teets, i tellz ya”.

Michael-Jackson9
A self-portrait of springles, titled ‘This Crying Earth, This Weeping Shore?’

springles made his way to Ana, as of to shake her hand. This would be a friendly gesture of goodwill, and a decent sign that you were saying ‘Farewell’. It was a shame, then, that springles missed her hand, and went straight for her boobs. He held onto her left boob for about two minutes, as both Ana and springles stood there silently. “well, i should be going now. lets do this again sometime”, he finally said. After squeezing the boob twice, while shouting “HONK, HONK”, he went to the elevator, off to another meeting. Ana was almost in a daze, as she had never been so entranced by a person before. She had no idea if she would ever meet him again, and continued to think about him even when she was exiting the building.

As she left the front doors, she noticed a small business card had been placed in her front pocket. It had a phone number, along with a crudely drawn penis. Somehow, Ana knew that she would meet springles again.

End of Chapter 1.

To learn more about Erotic Adventures of springles the dog, you can buy his debut game, known as ‘Best Friends – Cats & Dogs’ HERE!

For more about springles, the man, the myth, the legend, his comic series is HERE!

Keep up with all the latest springles news on his Facebook Page, which can be found HERE!

In the meantime, you can always keep up with his spiritual podcast known as PodTea’d, and all you have to do is click HERE!

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